The Darling Nomadess: The Most Epic Worst Date EVER

Thursday, January 14, 2016

The Most Epic Worst Date EVER

This past summer, I had a wonderful stint with Tinder. Go ahead, insert your judgements here. While working 80 hours a week at the hotel, I managed to find some time to go on dates every once in a while. Most dates were fun with good conversation with men from all corners of the USA. I mean, I was living at an amusement park so everyday there was a new round of boys to swipe left or right everyday. While most dates went well, there was one that was just bad. And by bad, I mean epically bad.





We'll call him Columbus since that's where he was from. Columbus had been flirting with me on the app for a few weeks and decided to return to the park for a date. He was tall, tan, handsome, and quite charming. Let's fast forward to the date, shall we?

He shows up to pick me up from my apartment in camouflage cargo shorts (I should have known it would end badly just by the fashion choice. But I guess hindsight is 20/20...).  He greets me with a warm smile. I get into his car that reeked of cigarettes...he told me he didn't smoke so I was for a moment caught in the shock of the stench.

As we're driving down the road, we start conversing. Just shop talk...how was the drive...any traffic...yadda yadda yadda. He pulls out a cigarette and lights up without even asking. Now I get it. It's your car, you do you. BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD'S GREEN EARTH. What happened to asking your passengers if it's ok?

We continue talking and as he finishes his cigarette, he just throws it into the back seat of his car. And no, he didn't even aim for the window. I'm sitting in the passenger seat thinking "bruh, what the hell are you doing?" He said he did and it'll be fine, he does it all the time, etc.

After a few moments of silence, I smell the most horrendous smell. We're driving over the lake, so my initial thoughts were that the lake smelled. But then the car started to get smokey. I turn around and look at a back seat that is up in flames. Columbus doesn't even seem to notice. The following conversation ensued:

Me: "Hey I think we have a problem..."
Columbus: "Already? Whats up?"
Me: "So that cigarette..."
Columbus: cutting me off. "Why didn't you tell me you had a problem with smokers?!"
Me: "Well the problem is that your car is on fire from that cigarette..."

He calmly pulls over as if this happens all the time (it probably does) and we both get out of the car. I have no idea what to do so I just start walking away from the car half expecting it to blow up behind me. Meanwhile, he opens the trunk, pulls out a gallon of water and starts pouring it all over the back seat. At this point, I'm already over the date so I tried to dismiss him so he could take care of his car. But he just got into the car and was hell-bent on riding rollercoasters.

I wish I could say this is where the story ends but the date continued to get worse.

Once arriving at the park, I swear we didn't talk practically all day. I tried to make conversation but he played around on his phone the entire time. While we were waiting in line for the rides, he constantly complained about waiting. Meanwhile, I am silently fuming. Eventually, his phone died.

Columbus: "Aww man. My phone died. Now what am I going to do?"
Me: "Well god forbid you have a conversation with the girl you came on a date with!"
Columbus: "Hmmmf."

I storm off towards the beach to find sanctuary with my friends, hoping to lose him. Well, he followed along. As soon as I found my best friend and coworker Lizzy, he immediately became Prince Charming. Here I am, supposed to be on a date with this guy, and he's flirting with my best friend. What. the. actual. F.

Eventually, we were done with the beach and coasters and I was ready for this date to be over. He dropped me back off at my apartment and asked what I was doing later in the evening and if I wanted to get drinks. Amazed, I replied letting him know that I already made exclusive plans with my friends. I got out of the car and he drove off.

Fast forward an hour or two to the local bar scene. I'm dancing with Lizzy and other friends. HE SHOWS UP AT THE BAR. Completely ignores me, and buys rounds of drinks and shots for my friends. By the end of the night, he's intoxicated, trying to dance with me, and asks if he can crash on my couch. He ended up sleeping in his car, outside of my apartment complex.

So, lets recap:
1. Camouflage Cargo Shorts
2. Smokes
3. Lights car on fire
4. On phone all day, er'ry day
6. Flirts with my best friend
7. Shows up at bar uninvited

And that, was my last Tinder date of the summer. I deleted the app shortly after this date and actually downloaded it again once I moved to Colorado. It's been since deleted (again).

What was your worst date?

With Love,
Ashliegh

11 comments:

  1. OMG this is awesome! Bad dates always turn into the funniest stories.

    XO, Rachel
    www.seashellsandsparkles.com

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  2. No judgement here. I used tinder when I was single, and I actually had some really great dates from it. But there was one guy I met for drinks who was the texting the entire time. Why bother trying to go out with someone if you're not interested in anything but your phone?!

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  3. oh my god, this was hilarious but I'm so sorry this happened to you. I just got out of a relationship and am lonely as hell, but no way I can download Tinder. Super happy for people who find other decent people but I'm not composed enough to struggle through one of these horrible dates

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  4. oh my god hahahah. what the hell. i don't understand how some people don't have concepts of you know, being a normal human.

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  5. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH I am laughing out loud at my desk.
    Oh, you.

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  6. Ah!!! This sounds like the worst tinder date ever! Do all of them turn out to be someone who they're not??!?

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  7. I'm sorry this happened to you, but it is such a funny story! You'll never lack a great "epic date fail" story to tell people... ;-) I admire the way you were able to find the humor in a really bad situation! Here's hoping that your dates from here on will always be way better than Columbus! ;-)

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  8. Myyyy goodness, that's insane. I'm so sorry you had to deal with all that (and a serious double you tee eff on pretty much everything, but especially the smoking/cigarette lighting car on fire and flirting with your best friend in front of you--the eff does he think he is?!). At least it makes for a great story though?

    I think I'm just going to continue being a cat lady. I have about zero faith in humanity left, hahaha.

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  9. So hilarious!! At least you got a good story out of it. Who does that with their cigarettes, though??

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  10. At least it was his car! My ex boyfriend totally smoked a cigarette in my car (while I wasn't there!) and burned the fabric on the roof by the window!

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  11. If you cannot laugh, what can you do!

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