I've never been the emotional type. Opening up about how I feel has never come naturally to me. Some might say I come off cold or intense, perhaps even insensitive. When an unfortunate event occurs, I'm the type to always say, "I'm fine". I do my best to not cry in public and emotions make me uncomfortable. I'm the type of girl who thinks I can do it all, or damn it, I'm going to die trying. I'm strong and don't give a damn about how you feel about me. Love me or hate me, I am Superwoman.
Though lately, I don't feel like it.
I typically deal with rejection well. I've been broken up with and cheated in the past and just brush those relationships off my shoulder. I've been bullied, not just teased.
I've always enjoyed writing. When I was younger, I loved writing in diaries. I had so many of them, too. In the fourth grade I had a crush on a boy I sat next to in my language arts class. Of course, I wrote about it in my diary. I was proud of this particular journal as I had decorated it myself with clippings from my favorite magazines. I carried that diary with me everywhere, even to school in fear that my mom, or worse, my younger sisters, would read it. One day, I left my language arts class room to go to the bathroom before class started. When I returned, an unimaginable scene was happening before my eyes.
When I reentered the classroom, I had never felt so rejected in my life. The whole class was laughing at me. The boy I had a crush on was sitting on the teacher's reading stool, the teacher no where to be found. In his hand was no ordinary reading assignment. It was my diary that he had dug out of my backpack and read to the class while I was away.
I don't know how I managed it, but I didn't cry. I walked up to that boy, grabbed my diary then threw it in the trashcan. That night, I went home and threw away all of my diaries, thinking, why keep anything in my life if it just hurts me. After that day, I became absurdly shy.
Though this is just one of the instances of being bullied in my younger years, I recently heard a piece of advice that perhaps I've always believed yet couldn't put into words on my own: "If someone has a problem with you, thats their problem." This came from a woman who probably has no idea how much I look up to her. She also has my dream job.
I'm a senior in college now which means I've started my job search. I scored a phone interview with my dream job a few weeks ago. It's a job I've been working to hold since I joined my sorority my freshman year. About a week ago, I learned that I wouldn't ever hold this dream job and it's been crushing me - I'm paralyzed in a state of shock. I never expected to have the position but I also had so much hope to reach just one dream. To know all the long nights - the blood, sweat, and tears were all worth it to accomplish just one goal.
I'm not entirely sure if I should even be writing any of this on a public blog but I need to get my feelings out, even if I can't show it in person. I don't even know if I'll hit the "publish" button for this one.
I know God has a plan for me and everything happens for a reason. It's something I've learned time and time again over the past few years. I know I the job search will be hard and I'll probably be rejected from a lot of jobs but, damn. This one hurts worse than any break up or bullying I've ever experienced.
Even though it hurts, I still find a way to pull myself together. I'm sure my friends know something is up but I can't break down. I have to keep going; keep pushing through the emotions and hide them. Because I am Superwoman, and I can handle it.