The Darling Nomadess: I am Superwoman

Monday, November 25, 2013

I am Superwoman

I've never been the emotional type. Opening up about how I feel has never come naturally to me. Some might say I come off cold or intense, perhaps even insensitive. When an unfortunate event occurs, I'm the type to always say, "I'm fine". I do my best to not cry in public and emotions make me uncomfortable. I'm the type of girl who thinks I can do it all, or damn it, I'm going to die trying. I'm strong and don't give a damn about how you feel about me. Love me or hate me, I am Superwoman.

Though lately, I don't feel like it.

I typically deal with rejection well. I've been broken up with and cheated in the past and just brush those relationships off my shoulder. I've been bullied, not just teased.

I've always enjoyed writing. When I was younger, I loved writing in diaries. I had so many of them, too. In the fourth grade I had a crush on a boy I sat next to in my language arts class. Of course, I wrote about it in my diary. I was proud of this particular journal as I had decorated it myself with clippings from my favorite magazines. I carried that diary with me everywhere, even to school in fear that my mom, or worse, my younger sisters, would read it. One day, I left my language arts class room to go to the bathroom before class started. When I returned, an unimaginable scene was happening before my eyes.

When I reentered the classroom, I had never felt so rejected in my life. The whole class was laughing at me. The boy I had a crush on was sitting on the teacher's reading stool, the teacher no where to be found. In his hand was no ordinary reading assignment. It was my diary that he had dug out of my backpack and read to the class while I was away.

I don't know how I managed it, but I didn't cry. I walked up to that boy, grabbed my diary then threw it in the trashcan. That night, I went home and threw away all of my diaries, thinking, why keep anything in my life if it just hurts me. After that day, I became absurdly shy.

Though this is just one of the instances of being bullied in my younger years, I recently heard a piece of advice that perhaps I've always believed yet couldn't put into words on my own: "If someone has a problem with you, thats their problem." This came from a woman who probably has no idea how much I look up to her. She also has my dream job.

I'm a senior in college now which means I've started my job search. I scored a phone interview with my dream job a few weeks ago. It's a job I've been working to hold since I joined my sorority my freshman year. About a week ago, I learned that I wouldn't ever hold this dream job and it's been crushing me - I'm paralyzed in a state of shock. I never expected to have the position but I also had so much hope to reach just one dream. To know all the long nights - the blood, sweat, and tears were all worth it to accomplish just one goal.

I'm not entirely sure if I should even be writing any of this on a public blog but I need to get my feelings out, even if I can't show it in person. I don't even know if I'll hit the "publish" button for this one.

I know God has a plan for me and everything happens for a reason. It's something I've learned time and time again over the past few years. I know I the job search will be hard and I'll probably be rejected from a lot of jobs but, damn. This one hurts worse than any break up or bullying I've ever experienced.

Even though it hurts, I still find a way to pull myself together. I'm sure my friends know something is up but I can't break down. I have to keep going; keep pushing through the emotions and hide them. Because I am Superwoman, and I can handle it.

With love,
Ashliegh


12 comments:

  1. First of all, you don't have to be perfect, okay? It's alright to let your guard down sometimes. I'm so proud of you for publishing this, I know how hard it was for you.
    Also, God doesn't call us to be superwomen... you are a woman of Christ and He will care for you and provide for your needs! I love you so much and I'm always here for you. aoe <3

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  2. This really resonates with me...not that these things specifically happened to me, but I do know how it feels to wake up one day and realize that your life will never be the way you had dreamed it would. There are several things I had planned/dreamed of doing in my life, and I'm about to turn 32 (!!) and I'm realizing that some of the things just aren't going to happen. It's hard...it feels a bit like being crushed...really being physically crushed. That being said, I think it's important to take a moment to "mourn"...you have to deal with it and what it means to you, no matter how hard or how much it hurts. But! This is going to sound really cliche, but honestly, I make myself stop and count my blessings. I literally stop, close my eyes and list off the great things in my life. Then, I take a deep breath, and I think of what I can do instead of whatever dream/goal I'm not going to reach.
    It's ok to be vulnerable...as hard as it is to not be in control all the time, it's necessary. You can be Superwoman - we all can. But I guarantee that even Superwoman had moments of doubt and self-pity. You're human! It's ok to cry and to admit that you're upset about something! So take your moment, in private if you need to, or share with a trusted friend/family member. I guarantee that whomever you choose to be vulnerable with, they've had their own moment, too. Then, take a deep, calming breath, and go after your next goal/dream. Who knows, it may end up being even better than you thought your finished dream would be! Life really is what you make it, and I believe everything happens for a reason, even if we don't yet know the reason.
    For you to share your feelings like this, doesn't make you weak or any less of a Superwoman...in my eyes, our failures/defeats make us stronger. I hope this helps you (even a little bit - I don't know you personally)...sending a big hug your way! <3

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  3. I understand the idea of not opening up! I've definitely dealt with rejection! It takes a lot of courage to write a post like this and I'm grateful you're sharing this with us!
    Good luck on your search, I will definitely pray for you! Let yourself wallow a little bit, but use it as motivation to continue and be better than ever! Without mistakes we never learn!
    xoxo
    aVe

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  4. ah. no words. this was beautifully written and I hope things work out for you in the long run! we're all entitled to a little bit of a pity party so i feel like you should indulge in that. good on you for publishing something so personal!

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  5. You have your whole life ahead of you .. so just because you didn't get this dream job .. don't worry about it. You may start with a company and discover a new direction or job to pursue. You may decide to go for your master's degree. There's a whole bunch of directions you can go .. so don't let one rejection stop you <3

    Monica, www.pear-shaped-gal.com

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  6. I too was rejected from my dream job, that I'd been working towards since my sorority initiation day, except I didn't find out until February of my senior year that the job would never be mine. I graduated in May and just recently ended my job search, accepting a full time position that 6 months ago I never would have thought I'd be interested in. With every rejection I just kept reminding myself that I wasn't offered that job because it wasn't the one God wanted me to have. I knew I had to keep searching until I came across the position that He wanted me to be in, and that's absolutely what I believe the position I recently accepted is. Hang in there; the job search is tough, but you just have to stay positive and know God has a great plan for your life.

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  7. I'm so sorry to hear about the bad news! But don't give up... and maybe it happened for a reason and you'll find a different job that will turn out to be your dream job. If you can dream it, you can do it... someone somewhere said that right? haha

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  8. I totally understand. That recently just happened me. You will get the right job for you, and it will come. I know its hard waiting but everything will all work out. Just keep telling yourself that. And its their loss, they didn't see your awesomeness.

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  9. I absolutely loved this post! I know it must have been hard to post this ( I always draft up super personal posts then leave them!) I was inspired by this, you should know that there are plenty of jobs out there and you will find the right one for you, just because you didn't get your dream job straight out of college doesn't mean that you won't have it later on down the road in life! You are so strong and I know you are going to find the right job for you when you graduate! Keep your head up! xoxo

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  10. Thank you so much for sharing this post with us! I can totally sympathize with you - rejection hurts in the strangest ways. It doesn't make sense now, but it will, I promise! Keep that fiery passion and don't let anything deter you! You are amazing. Something bigger and better will happen to you and you'll realize that this was the weirdest blessing in disguise. Just trust God's plan for you! AOE <3

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  11. Ashleigh,
    I just found your blog through Pinterest. This post truly spoke to me. I'm moving to Northeast Ohio in a few weeks, which is hours away from home, and just graduated from college this December. I know exactly what you're feeling with the journey you're currently on. God does have a plan for you, Jeremiah 29:11, girl.

    Thank you for providing a great outlet to learn more about the area and the obviously wonderful people there. I pray the best for you.

    -Holly

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  12. Sometimes the things that seem the horrible are the things that make us better. I went on vacation to escape the boy that had been cheating on me and on that vacation I met my husband. We've been together 12 years. You're superwoman and so much more!

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